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Friday, July 22nd, 2011
7:00 pm - You're sick about what your life is becoming...
Over the years, I've made some wonderful friends. It seems no matter the experience I may have had, I come away with at least one amazingly awesome friend from it. Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of the time, people are better to me than I am to them. For a lack of a better term, I pretty much feel like I'm a hot mess a lot of the time. Luckily, many of my friends have stuck by me and still support me even when I make extremely stupid decisions (usually when I'm under the influence of alcohol). To sum it up, I think I'm incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. I'm so grateful to have wonderful people in my life, but part of me wonders why they are still around.

I may be my own biggest critic, but sometimes I have felt the most redeeming quality about myself was my dedication to my students and to my job. I might have been a fuck-up with friends and relationships, but gosh I've cared about each and every student I had. Now that that's gone (or soon to be gone), I sometimes wonder what is left of me. People tend to identify themselves with their jobs; I think teaching is a prime example of that. I WAS a TEACHER- it's all I've ever known. While my other co-workers that lost their jobs had other roles in life (wife, mom, etc.), the only role I've ever had is being a teacher. When that's gone, what becomes of me? I feel like I've been stripped of my identity; I don't know who I am outside of my career. Or maybe I DO know who I am and I don't like that type of person...Any way I slice it, my best quality is gone. The only thing that made me a decent human being has disappeared.

To make a long list of musings short, I want to change my life. I want to be better. I haven't given my friends and boyfriend an ounce of the respect that they have given me. I want to give back to all the people that have treated me so well. It's weird- I never had money until I got my job...at 23 years old, I was making DOUBLE of what my family brought in a year. It was a very strange feeling. I guess for awhile I assumed showing people I cared about them was to "buy"...buying drinks, buying dinners, buying gifts...However, as my career came crashing down, I've realized money isn't everything. I would take significantly less money just to keep my title and career (which is basically what I'm doing this coming school year). I want to show people I truly care about them but I don't know how besides throwing money at them. It may be a nice gesture and I can buy all the meals and drinks I can, but at the end of the day I'll still be a shitty person.

I just don't know HOW to improve my life. Drinking situations are when I usually turn into a shitty human being, but I think Alcoholics Anonymous is too extreme. An ex tried to turn me on to AA and I actually even read the book but realized it wasn't for me. Some parts of the book made a lot of sense, but it just didn't seem to be 100% me or my problem. Another person I know that had very similar characteristics and problems like me turned to God. As I was never a believer before, I don't think I could make that transformation now. If you thought I was a party girl, this girl was even more hardcore than me...getting kicked out of colleges, breaking a bone, legal problems...all from her party days. I'm glad she has found comfort in God, but once again, I am not sure if that option would make me whole.

I'm just lost. I can't keep rolling like I do, but then again, I don't know how to fix it. I need to change. I need to be better. But it's scary...how do I even start and how do I correct years and years worth of mistakes? :(

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Saturday, July 9th, 2011
9:20 pm - Getting the message out...
Wow, so I started my Livejournal when I was 17 years old, the summer before college, and haven't written in it since 2008. My life has changed immensely in the past few years. My life, my personality, etc. have done a 180. So many changes I don't even know where to begin to describe them. But that's not the real reason why I'm here...

The reason why I am writing after a 3 year hiatus (more like 4 or 5 since this journal was active) is to write about something that has been especially getting on my nerves lately, and to hopefully get my message out. Many people have questioned my relationship with Kenny and I figured I would address it all here.

Kenny and I have been together for almost a year. Our year anniversary is quickly approaching. That is kind of a unique feat for me. While this will be my 4th long-term relationship, the last long-term relationship I had was a big joke (we didn't say "I love you" until a YEAR into it, rarely spent a whole night together, never discussed our future together, etc.) and then it was followed by flings with guys I met at bars and relationships that only lasted a couple of months. I do get bored easy, and it's hard to believe that the same guy is still around a year later. I seemed to do better with the long-term relationship and commitment deal when I was younger, oddly enough. But anyway, through many ups and downs and times of argument and separation, Kenny and I are approaching that milestone.

Kenny and I have done our share of ranting about each other. Kenny can say the meanest, most insensitive, most pig headed comments I've ever heard. I don't think he has a filter...he just says whatever comes to mind, good or bad. In his defense, I take things too personally a lot of the time and I can be hard to live with, as I am down right moody sometimes. In another lifetime, I lived with another man (I was very young...21 or 22). Anyway, I think Rob and I have grown to respect each other over the years and have some sort of understanding, but I bet he would agree that I can be a crazy bitch. I bet if Rob and Kenny got together, they would be finishing each other sentences about me.

So when these moments come out on both sides, we both tend to do a lot of complaining. I am not sure what is like for his "support systems" but for the friends I have ranted to, they have in turn questioned the genuineness of our relationship. I have had to face many questions like, "Why are you still with Kenny?", "What do you see in him?", and "When will you break up?"

I have had many friends encourage me to be single. I have had several friends that even told me that they don't think Kenny loves me. How does anyone but Kenny know how he feels? I know my friends just want what's best for me, but I usually end up feeling offended. When I shared with some friends that Kenny and I were on a mini-vacation together, instead of a "Have fun!", many asked why would we even doing so "considering everything that's happened".

Though this might be asinine or petty to write, I feel the need to defend myself and the relationship. I don't think it's a secret that I've "been around" a couple of times. I've done it all...casual dating, long term dating, one night stands, flings, long distance relationships, friends with benefits, unknowingly someone's mistress a few years back, etc. After all that experience, doesn't anyone think I'm wise enough to judge the value of a relationship?

I've had guys sleep with me and never call me back. I've had guys cancel dates on me, then admit to me that they were on a date with another girl. I had a guy fail to tell me he was engaged for half of our involvement, then string me along, promising me that it was over and he would move out of their place asap. OK, YES- I PICK LOSERS FOR BOYFRIENDS. This isn't suppose to be a "Guys suck!" or a "Look how I've been hurt" rant. The point is, Kenny is the most genuine person I've ever met. He has never strung me along, though I hate to admit, I know I have done it to him at times in our relationship. He grabs my hand while he's driving, though I don't think I've ever reached out for his first. He gets sad when I run out of the apartment without giving him a quick kiss first...there are times when I will be heading out the door and he'll stop me to remind me. Kenny and I are both restless sleepers...I toss and turn like crazy and he has back problems. Pretty much every morning, like clock work, around 4 or 5 am, I will turn, half asleep and wake up Kenny partially. At that point, I will wiggle closer to him, and he stretches his arms out and pulls me in the rest of the way. We fall back asleep, cuddling, until we have to wake up for the day.

This morning was a perfect example. We ended up camping at Oneida Shores because Kenny had a fishing tournament at Oneida Lake this morning. We woke up all tangled together around 4:45 when his alarm went off. He got up and started to get ready for his fishing tournament and I tried for about 5 minutes to fall back asleep. It was in vain, so I sat up and watched from the flap of the tent as Kenny got ready and walked all his equipment to the lake. Since I was up, I decided to go to the boat launch to see Kenny and Tim take off. This was 5:45 in the morning, no one was there and I sort of stood in a corner, watching from the shadows. Kenny still managed to see me from his boat and gave me the biggest wave. He seemed so happy that I came down to see him off.

A year and a half ago, I would have just been stumbling into my dad's house at 5:45 am on a Saturday or Sunday morning after a night of partying, still reeking of booze and fucking some guy who didn't give two shits about me. It embarrasses me to think of how many times I tiptoed into my dad's house around 5 or 6 in the morning, after a night of drinking and guys. Don't get me wrong, the party girl isn't dead (I was out till 3am last weekend with friends) but the life I have created with Kenny is more satisfying than my previous one. Waking up in the arms of a man I DO love, watching him participate in a hobby that is his passion, then grabbing my iPod and walking the beach as the sun rises. Much more healthy and rewarding than a night at Charley's. I gotta say, Charley's has been my haunt for a couple of years now...and yes, I still do go sometimes, but no man has ever been able to get me out of that bar like Kenny has. When I was going there a couple of times a week: the people, the environment, the alcohol, the situations were all very unhealthy for me. I have finally found someone that has pulled me away from a lot of that drama!

Kenny drives me up a wall, but I do love him. He makes me laugh which is something that many guys haven't been able to do. Very few guys have asked me about my mother like he has. He wants to know stories about her and he actually listens because he'll bring up the stories in later conversations. In a way, it's like he has kept my mom alive for me. Something just feels right with him that I can't put into words...I've been tossed away and I've tossed many away in my time...but there is something about him that I can't throw away completely. I've tried many times to end it but I always change my mind. There's something about him that makes me want to work on the relationship.

I don't know where the future will lead. We may split, or we could get married and raise a family together. Regardless of the outcome, I do want my friends support. I am just afraid I have alienated many friends with this relationship. I wish it wasn't like this. So I hope this is your answer for some of you if you read this long enough...why I continue to try, why I do love him, and how it has continued to work. I'm just sick of the negatively surrounding Kenny and wish people would support me, good and bad. :-/

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Thursday, June 7th, 2007
12:55 am
Alright...I need some advice.

Today I went in for an interview at Sears. I applied for a cashier position but in the interview, they realized I was qualified for being the secretary to the human resource director. I was previously a receptionist for 2 years and I loved it. Anyway, this job would be full time BUT I would not be able to substitute teach in the fall. And I really need to substitute teach to get my name out of there. Any ideas/opinions/whatever?

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Sunday, March 18th, 2007
7:36 pm
I never knew planning a vacation would require so much work! Poor Rob is freaking out because his plans keep getting changed...we can't go the weekend we wanted to now and he had a difficult time ordering our tent online. It was so funny...he's so excited about this tent that I started to worry and last night I was like, "We'd actually get a hotel for our honeymoon, right?" Haha crazy times.

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Saturday, February 10th, 2007
1:44 pm - Valentine's Day Early...
So Rob went ahead and already gave me my Valentine's Day gift. It was so much more than I was expecting or could ever dream of. It was this HUGE basket with wrapped up in clear wrapping and tied with a bow. Connected to the basket was a little ornament that said "Love". Inside the basket there was two things of chocolates/candy from Gertrude Hawk...a little container that looked like someone one would get from a Chinese food place but instead it had a candy heart print and he filled that up with candy hearts...and a photo album. In the photo album he printed off some pictures from his digital camera...a few from the Buffalo Sabers game we went to and then a few other random ones of us...and then the last one was a picture of the basket and everything in it. It's a really nice album and it has room for 192 more pictures!!! While I do need some new photo albums, I think I am just going to devote this one to pictures of him and I and see how far it takes us. :) Hopefully some day it will be something our kids and grandkids look at.

There was also a little bear holding a note tucked in the basket. The noteCollapse )

He then told me that there was a hidden treasure in the container of candy hearts. I'm like, "What??? You already did enough!". So I open it up and in a little baggie is a flash/jump drive thing. My cooperating teacher kept getting on my back about buying one and how "Every student teacher should have one". I thought that was so sweet.

I can't believe how sweet and thoughtful he is and how lucky I am.

Pictures of myself and the person I love more than anything!Collapse )

I know you prob won't read this but I love you so much Rob. :)

current mood: loved

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Sunday, December 31st, 2006
12:11 am
Is it just me or does no one really ever post that much anymore?? I know I am guilty as well...I'm not sure if it is because I've sort of "out-grown" LJ, I'm busy, or if I either have nothing to really complain about and the issues I do have, I do not want people to know about. I'm not really sure. I guess I'll post sometime tomorrow...I'm gonna try to get back into this LJ thing. It's funny that ever since I met Rob, I haven't really wrote in this thing. It's been 6 months today since our first "date" that consisted of us going to the movies with Krista and her Matt and then Krista pretty much telling me that Rob would drive me home and Rob and I pretty much ended up eating ice cream in the Walmart parking lot and going to the park at like...1:30 am and riding the swings. I don't know...I sort of wish I had documented our beginning stages more because I hate relying on my memory so much. But oh well...

I guess one of my many New Years Resolutions will be to keep up with this thing and keep in better touch with you guys. Who knows what this year is going to hold...Every year my life seems to change more and more.

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Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
11:46 pm - New record!!!
Is this a record or something? Me writing in my journal like...3 days in a row??

Anyway, today I met my cooperating teacher for student teaching...She was pretty nice and gave me a textbook and a bunch of resources to look through. I've been skimming the folder of resources but I don't think I'm going to seriously plan any lessons until after Christmas...

Woo I got to go to one of my favorite restaurants with two of my favorite people today (Ilze and Rob). It was good times.

And it's been 3 years exactly since I heard the Stevie Wonder song that just blew my mind...Don't ask me how I know that...I'm a dork.

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Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
10:22 pm - Grades for my last semester in Oneonta...
So today I got my final grades back for this semester...

Population Geography- A
Intro to Communication- A
Intro to Biological Anthrolopology- A
Becoming a Master Tutor I- A
Social Studies Educational Methods- A-

My overall GPA was a 3.9. Rob took me to the Pursuit of Happyness tonight to celebrate. I'm really tired now...All I wanted to do was go home with him and go to sleep...oh well...I guess that is for another night. Tomorrow I meet my cooperating teacher for student teaching and he has work in the morning so hopefully Thursday night will be our making fudge/watching Xmas movies night. :)

3.9 is the highest GPA I've ever gotten. My mom would have been so proud.

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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
10:48 pm - Hiatus
I know I don't write in this thing much to begin with anyway but I wanted to officially take a hiatus. I'm not leaving LJ but my life is just crazy right now. I hope no one cuts me because I really do care about my LJ friends but if you do, I guess there is nothing I can do.

The reason for the hiatus is because I'm still dealing with alot of issues of my breakup with Matt, beginning a new relationship with Rob which is now kind of "long distance", and I am taking 14 credit hours which includes my 4 credit education methods course where I am required to do lots of work and lesson planning and 50 field hours in the classroom. If I wasn't crazy enough, I am working 2 jobs now as well as interviewing for 2 other positions on campus within the week. I am now President of my Hall Government as well...and I'm trying to maintain some type of social life! Ahh! It's my last semester on campus so I have alot to do in preparation for student teaching and things to do in order to graduate and what not. I am gonna be so busy but I will try to be back when I can!!!!

Miss you guys!

current mood: scared

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Sunday, June 11th, 2006
10:31 pm - 6/11/05...a year later...
I can't believe it's been a year since my mother has been gone. How is that even possible? A whole year...I miss her so much.

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
10:13 pm
What a mess. :( I'm so scared...life really, really sucks.
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
12:05 pm
I have a big final coming up tomorrow...I know my mom would want me to focus on studying instead of crying for her but I can't stop.

I did have a dream about my mom last night though...I spoke to her on the phone...it was so nice to hear her voice.

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Monday, April 10th, 2006
11:59 pm
There is so much I need to do before going home and there is so much to do when I am home...I'm already not really liking this break. More of an update tomorrow or later in the week when I get a chance.

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Monday, March 27th, 2006
2:11 pm - Gray hair :(
Sorry I haven't been commenting...I've had a busy few weeks and this week is the worst of all of them...I'm just writing to say I haven't forgotten anyone.

Also, today I found my first gray hairs. I was able to cut two out of my hair but I know there are more hiding. Matt says I'm freaking out over nothing but I realized there is also gray hair in my hairbrush...Blah, I don't want to get old!

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Sunday, March 26th, 2006
7:09 pm - Stolen from ilovewags
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Olny 55 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig

to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is

taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs

is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas

tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad ti!

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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
10:56 pm
I've been so crazy busy lately. I have a bunch of tests this week and all sorts of stuff.

After 3 and a half years of waiting, American Idol finally had Stevie Wonder night! :) Too bad most people sucked.

And happy belated b-day to my girl jenonthebeach!

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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
9:13 pm
Yay Taylor Hicks sang some Michael McDonald!!!! :)

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
7:08 pm - Wow, March already
I'm now done with my second day of field experiences at my old middle school. I've got two more full days to go unfortunately. It's been a pretty pleasant experience and the teachers and students have been so nice (all the little 7th grade girls liked my sweater today and complimented my handwriting) but it is just a pain having to spend my whole break there. There's nothing quite like having your junior high science teacher ask about your current social life and having your 1st grade teacher talking about people drinking and watching Lunar Eclipses in O-Town in the faculty room (she went to the same college I'm at now).

I really miss my mom. There are so many experiences over the past few days with going back that I'd love to tell her and I can't. Sometimes it's still so hard to believe she is really gone.

Anyway, that's about it. Two more days and hopefully there isn't a snow day or anything tomorrow. I'm starting to feel so old. I was thinking...some of those kids in that school weren't even born yet while I was attending...wow.

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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
8:14 pm - You are the magic, you're right where I want to be
Back in October when Amber, Danielle and I went horseback ridingCollapse )

Hopefully this week works out with field placements and everything...I'm so worried. Being an education major blows.

PS- I want Taylor Hicks to sing some Michael McDonald on American Idol!

Brr, it's cold.

current mood: scared

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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
10:24 pm
We did stuff about Stevie Wonder in my History of Rock and Roll class last night! It was good times...It was a video from 1970 and he talked about being engaged to Syreeta and he sang "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" and "Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer". It was good times.

The principal of the school I was suppose to do my field experience at still hasn't gotten back to me...blah. I'm getting scared that it will fall through. Arg.

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